I must confess something.
In regards to the lovely Ms. Joanna Angel, Iâ€™ll admit that I am a bit of a â€œfan boy.â€ I have an immense amount of respect for what she does on both sides of the camera. And, although not traditionally what I would consider to be â€œmy type,â€ there is an adorable, cocky confidence that comes through when she is on screen. She exudes an inherent sexiness, which is what makes her so appealing (to me). Thus…
Joannaâ€™s Angels 3:Â Douchebag Resurrection (2010) – an examination of the douche-ification of civilization!
â€œLook, dude. Hereâ€™s how itâ€™s gonna go: I come here and get fucked while my subordinates solve things.â€
The movie: Evan Stone and his incredibly long balls are the antagonist(s) here. He plays the CEO/evil mastermind of â€œAffucktionâ€ Clothing set out to control the world through the manufacturing and distribution of glittery apparel sprinkled with a hypnotic douche-ification serum.
The plan starts simply enough: Evan possesses a special potion that, for reasons unknown, must be applied/administered/sprinkled from an actual disposable douche bottle. When a person comes in contact with an â€œAffucktionâ€ shirt that has been exposed to the solution, they transform into a walking douche. You know, the typical zombie with their outstretched arms, feet dragging, guttural, almost unintelligible moans of â€œUgghhh… Jaeger Bombs, bruh.â€ Iâ€™m sure itâ€™s exactly what George A. Romero initially envisioned for his films.
Whatsmore, sprinkling the solution directly on someone will not only turn them into a total douche â€“ the victim will also be left with a fairly respectable Jersey accent. Sâ€™powerful stuff.
â€œWe have to get to the root of this problem and grab it by the balls.â€
Mick Blue, who plays the Governor and in my opinion bears a striking resemblance to UFCâ€™s Georges St-Pierre (come to think of it I have never seen them togetherâ€¦ hmmm), has the un/enviable task of deciding whether to fuck Joanna Angel or go into business with Evan Stoneâ€™s balls. The devious plot at hand is to treat the stateâ€™s water supply with â€œfluorideâ€ (which is code for Evanâ€™s douche juice). Once the stateâ€™s water supply has been contaminated, the potential partners will move on to douche the entire nation!
Several impressive charts and graphs detail how this scheme is to work, and Evan and his balls seem genuinely concerned about the rampant cavity epidemic that may or may not be plaguing California. Anyway, it doesnâ€™t take long for Governor Blue to decide which he should do, but no spoilers here kiddos!
Letâ€™s just for a moment get back to Evil Evan Stone and his even more evilly long balls. If the man continues at this rate, heâ€™s going to need one of those front-facing baby backpacks to lug those monsters around in very soonâ€¦ or maybe a wheelbarrow? I mean, thereâ€™s no way this guy could ever ride a bike, right? Hopefully, there are no plans for him to star in a parody of Gunsmoke (1953) because heâ€™s not getting on a horse anytime soon.
I promise you I am not obsessed with Mr. Stoneâ€™s balls or with long balls in general. Honestly, Iâ€™m not. I can say with conviction that 99.9% of the time I would not be focusing on balls at all especially if there are nekkid lady parts to gander at. With Stone however, itâ€™s unavoidable. Sâ€™very distracting.
There is also a subplot involving Tommy Pistol and the fact that he possesses â€œbanana power,â€ which is the ability to make a banana appear in his hand at will. Obviously, there are much better super powers than this so there must be a reason for it, right? Curious to see where this is headed.
But back to the movie…
â€œYou did save my life, you do deserve some boobage.â€
Shoutout to Joanna for including â€œApple Juiceâ€ by Taintstick as the background music for the big chase scene. That was a pleasant surprise. Red Dragons!
Anyway, a group of zombie-douches is chasing the bumbling Tommy Pistol and a fair maiden (Juelz Ventura) through a series of back alleys when, all of a sudden… banana power to the rescue! Tommy summons a banana, throws in on the ground in front of the Gosselin-esque mob, and next thing you know, with the slip of a peel, we have a twenty douche pile up!
So Tommy and his lady are able to make their escape. Once the two of them have shared a special and conveniently timed post-chase embrace (you know, the kind where their privates get all tangled up together), the Ed Hardy Boys return. Only they aren’t interested in the fair maiden any longer because â€œUgghh… no sloppy seconds, bro.â€
(Thank god that whole banana power thing came into play. I really had now idea how that story arc would pan out.)
â€œOver 500 seemingly normal people have suddenly been transformed into total douche-lords who love clothing with shiny, silkscreened patterns.
That sounds disgusting!â€
Yes it does, Joanna. Yes. It. Does.
I could devote some time here to elaborating on Joanna Angel. How itâ€™s refreshing to see a woman at the helm of a porn empire (Burning Angel Entertainment), a woman working to dispel the myth that all porn objectifies and humiliates women. I could tell you that porn written, directed, produced and starring a woman isnâ€™t always romantic, soft-core, â€œskinemaxâ€ late-night fare.
I could tell you all that but, considering thatâ€™s basically Dr. Chauntelleâ€™s mission statement, whatdya say we leave that particular commentary for the expert?
(pictured: Joanna Angel Awesome – PVV’s Back Story interview with Joanna here)
â€œJoanna and her angels will not rest until they are cured of their douchebaggery.â€
So in the end, the plot is foiled. Joanna and her angels come to the rescue and join forces with the Govenator (yes, they went there). We are then treated to the climax of a seven-way group sex scene in his office, on his desk, on the couch, the floor… you get the picture. Thereâ€™s even a sweet little â€œbreaking of the 4th wallâ€ moment where Joanna summarizes the whole thing for us, wrapping it all up with a nice little bow of a moral.
Brilliant policy foreshadowing?: when our politicos in office today start resolving their conflicts through group sex, the world as we know it will become a better, if not stickier, place to live.
By the way, did you guys know that these movies are like four hours long? I had no idea.
I say: check it out
Recommended for: anyone with a Suicide Girl fetish. Joanna has secured a nice little stable of talent with piercings and tattoos and whatnot within her empire. Draven Star and Kleio get top billing, but there are some nice performances by others further down the credits. Also, anyone with an elongated ball fetish.
And honestly, thereâ€™s enough here to keep most anyone entertained. Like other stuff written by Joanna Angel, Joanna’s Angels 3 has some pretty good comedy throughout, never taking itself too seriously. If you like your jokes corny with tongue planted firmly in cheek, youâ€™ve come to the right place.
Girls: Joanna Angel, Draven Star, Kleio, Kristina Rose, Juelz Ventura, Skin, Krysta Kaos, Natalia Marie
Guys: Evan Stone, James Deen, Mr. Pete, Mick Blue, Tommy Pistol
Released in October, 2010
BTS/extras: I am not much of a fan of BTS content unless you are bringing something special to the table. Spending the entire time walking around chatting with the stars, talking about hairstyles, and trying to decide what your porn name should be is a bit dull to me. (for the record, I feel the same way about mainstream moviesâ€¦ I donâ€™t particularly care to know the banal details of Brad Pittâ€™s or Jessica Albaâ€™s daily routines either)
Although,Â if you are interested in getting to know the performers and humanizing them, go right ahead.
The singular bright spot of the BTS however, is Kristina Rose doing her best Ace Ventura talking ass routineâ€¦ however there is no Tone Loc – that would have been pretty cool and would have given me a whole new level of appreciation! Â At any rate, unlike Jim Carrey, Kristina isnâ€™t encumbered by silly clothes and sheds a whole new perspective on an old gag.
– Hank Fontaine
Hank Fontaine â€“ Hank Fontaine is an extreme swinger, cold cereal killer, part-time public nudist/exhibitionist, and burgeoning writer trapped in the mind and body of a near illiterate. He is not a porn aficionado, nor is he a porn connoisseurâ€¦ just a married guy in his early forties who likes to get his freak on. If these things interest you, maybe yâ€™all can be friends? Follow Hank on Twitter atÂ @HankFontaineEsq and/or email himÂ here.
â€¦and why not enter this monthâ€™sÂ Screener Surprise? Fight piracy, get porn!!